Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
