dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
