so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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