I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
