When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
