there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
