Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Its about making memories worth repressing
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Randomize
