I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
