Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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