and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize