I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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