My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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