operation harelip BJ is a go
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize