I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
