"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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