I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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