when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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