she woke up with a sticky ear
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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