ADVERTISEMENT

• (301): View more from Maryland

  I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush

  (703): View more from Virginia

  Ew, did you brush them again?

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure

  Fav 7 856 1525

  share tweet
  

• (757): View more from Virginia

  He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.

  Fav 41 3306 5123

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (337): View more from Louisiana

  Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.

  Fav 30 1922 6379

  share tweet
  

• (804): View more from Virginia

  Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.

  Fav 11 6994 1500

  share tweet
  

• (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"

  Fav 1 2365 1038

  share tweet
  

• (727): View more from Florida

  Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.

  Fav 4 1374 1505

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.

  (1-401): View more from Rhode Island

  You bought MORE?!

  Fav 8 846 1413

  share tweet
  

• (951): View more from California

  Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.

  Fav 4 817 997

  share tweet
  

• (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!

  Fav 3 1434 610

  share tweet
  

• (401): View more from Rhode Island

  You slept on a pillow of digiorno

  Fav 0 498 446

  share tweet
  

• (845): View more from New York

  I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.

  Fav 1 394 149

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky

  Fav 1 379 159

  share tweet
  

• (586): View more from Michigan

  Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?

  Fav 1 225 333

  share tweet
  

• (360): View more from Washington

  That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.

  Fav 0 46 32

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one

  Fav 1 48 15

  share tweet
  

Randomize