totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
