'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
