i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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