If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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