good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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