I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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