I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
