Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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