Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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