dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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