i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
