So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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