Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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