Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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