While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
