i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize