No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
We need a shit load of segways right now
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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