Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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