I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
