I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
