this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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