the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
