New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
my liver is dry heaving
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
