I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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