do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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