I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize