im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
