Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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