No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
