This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
