Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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