fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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