I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
