I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
