i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
