In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
