Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
