She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
