i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
