Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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