I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
